You know you’re a mother when…

You know you’re a mother when…

…you hide with the phone the moment it starts ringing.

…you regularly move little shoes to the right feet.

…you don’t wear white, not for fear of your own spills, but for fear of little hands.

…conversations about poop and pee are totally common in everyday life.

…you wipe the seat before you use the toilet.

…you find buying clothes for your children far more fun than anything for yourself.

…you go to dry your hands and decide the towel has more germs than you had before you washed.

…your dive to save baby’s head has improved with each child.

…You’d trip and end up breaking a leg during naptime before you bump the wrong toy that makes noise.

…you sneak a snack, unwilling to share.

…you’ve cringed in a bathroom stall while a child discussed whatever embarrasses you most.

…you’ve hid in a bathroom stall until you are quite certain any audience of above mentioned discourse has vacated the facilities.

…you’ve found yourself cutting up your food or the food of your spouse far smaller than necessary.

…you’ve cleaned up vomit, made your own mess, then cleaned up both messes.

…you’ve disciplined and went searching for which child was missing a found chunk of hair, all the while praying it’s fixable and not too hideous.

…you’ve rocked a baby and found yourself praying they would hurry up and go to sleep – so that you can too.

…you find yourself scanning the lawn as you mow for one tiny croc shoe, fearful the mower will find it before you do.

…you totally understand when another mother mentions the awful hour before supper.

…you tell your husband you need a raise in pay. He offers a 100% raise. And then you both laugh, because you both know you cannot handle 14 children.

Notes to Self

Kasey from WalkingRedeemed.org has written a blog post called “Notes to Self”. It contains notes she’d have written to her pre-child self, if given the chance. Inspired, here’s my own list:

1. Don’t take it personally. They are children. Despite all evidence to the contrary, they aren’t doing things just to get on your nerves. Most of the time.

2. Do the undies check. Young children routinely forget these things. Before church when young girls are wearing dresses and before little boys are modeling reindeer outfits for Bass Pro Shops when the color swatch has been taken from the rear of the outfit are two times these are most important. You’ll thank me later.

3. Don’t tell any child anything you don’t want repeated, particularly if they are under the age of 5. Don’t laugh at anything you don’t want repeated. When you hear them tell it, it was louder, bigger, stinkier, and worse. Every time.

4. Don’t ever let them the hear word “boobs”. Anything but that. It WILL come back to haunt you. Same goes for “alcohol”.

5. There are going to be nasty comments. This one I was unprepared for when we passed the “normal” family size. The sooner the ability to nod, smile, and thank 10 strangers per store for pointing out that you have fuller hands, work harder, or are lacking the brain cells necessary to prevent such atrocities is mastered, the better off you’ll be.

6. Raise your expectations. If you expect your two year old to melt at the word ‘no’, they will. Likewise, if you expect them to obey on command and act civilized in public, you’ve got a much better chance of that happening.

7. When you turn on the faucet and nothing happens, proceed the meltdown. Likewise, when the gas company says the line has a leak, a meltdown is appropriate there too. It’s gonna be bad. You’ll live, though.

8. Wants aren’t needs. The sooner this lesson is learned, the easier life becomes – and the easier contentment is to achieve.

9. Don’t teach the baby that riding on Momma’s lap during lawn mowing is a possibility. You’ll never mow alone again.

10. Do a head count before leaving anywhere. Having to march back in because you missed someone is humiliating.

11. Don’t take bikes to the park for children who aren’t fully capable of riding long distances. Being miles from the van with six kids, pushing a double stroller, carrying a bike, with a baby tied on your back mere weeks postpartum is going to end badly.

12. Don’t take personal space for granted. Soon, you’ll never have any again - at least for the next 26 years.